be quiet, big boys don't cry
by TheRegularWriter
Summary: He's seen as arrogant and selfish, and egocentric. But the truth is, Tony's feelings never mattered. Tony Stark-centric. Set in the MCU, after Spider-Man: Homecoming. Oneshot. WARNINGS - past child abuse, bullying and implied character death.


**A/N: hi there! I never imagined I'd be writing for Marvel... but after Infinity War, I've been obsessing a bit too much over the MCU, but especially Tony Stark - and Endgame only worsened it, whoops!**

**Since this is my first fic for the fandom, then I hope it's not too OOC; this was going to be a Peter-centric story but I changed it as I developed the idea.**

**As always, I apologize for any writing mistakes, English isn't my first language. Also, I don't tend to write in the present tense, so this is kind of new to me. Regardless, I hope you enjoy it! I appreciate feedback, just don't be too hard on me fjhgjdd**

***A heads up \- some things I based on the comics (Earth 616 universe if I'm not mistaken), and title is from the song _I'm Not In Love_ by 10cc**

* * *

Tony Stark is one of – if not the most powerful figure in the world. Except it's nothing but a façade, that perhaps some people are aware of, but it's not enough.

_Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist_… his slogan radiates exactly the huge ego he's had for the entirety of his life, not going to lie. Tony, the Iron Man, is arrogant, selfish, egocentric, all the disgusting things he's heard before – from grieving families, the rest of the Avengers, and many others.

Maybe they're all true, he thinks sometimes. He's not going to erase everything he's done to the world, to the people close to him, as CEO of Stark Industries, as an Avenger.

But the truth is, unlike what everyone else believes, Tony's feelings never mattered.

* * *

When he got hurt, he was not supposed to cry. _Stark Men are made of iron_, his father used to say, and Tony learned it the hard way. It took him countless yells, sometimes to the point of including punches and slaps, and death grips on his arms, with the smell of alcohol in Howard's breath suffocating him in the meantime. The deafening sound of the boy's little robots he built crashing on the floor would be haunting, too. When he was sent to boarding school, he was barely six years old. He can distinctly remember the look of satisfaction and even relief in Howard's face; thinking his son would no longer be a "sissy" over scratches, wounds, his dying dog, bullies and so on.

At some point, Maria took care of his bruises, welcomed him in warm hugs, sang to him while he drifted off to sleep. Yet soon she would tell her child to swallow his protests, his stubbornness so Howard wouldn't get mad at him – because, way deep inside, his father did love him, and it was all Tony's fault his anger would get out of control.

And Tony ended up listening to her. Although it did take years of him responding to Howard, the young Stark was then willing to hide his hurts and angers for his mother's sake, for everyone's sake.

But it never stopped. _Howard_ never stopped. The boy was never good enough and oh, did he strive to be. Tony didn't shed tears nor complained anymore. It should have helped, right? And then his parents were gone forever, and his entire world shattered.

At least, with Jarvis, he didn't… need to hide anymore, even though it was challenging to allow the pain to come out again. Unfortunately, Jarvis passed away as well, and Tony was alone in this cruel world. Quickly, Obadiah arrived in the scene and showed himself as a reliable figure, until his own mask fell, and Tony discovered what had been going on under his very nose.

It's clear, from all of this, that Tony's feelings don't mean anything. That doesn't stop certain people from telling him otherwise, though: Rhodey, his best friend. Happy, his loyal bodyguard. Pepper, the love of his life.

Maybe… maybe they're right. They stick with him for what it seems like it'll be forever. They are there for him when he feels like he's lost everything.

So, to make amends with everyone else and himself, he becomes Iron Man. He joins the Avengers and finds in them a family.

At least, that's what he initially thought.

Frightened, he creates Ultron. He fears for everyone's deaths, for his friends; but, unsurprisingly, he's the one completely at fault. Well, it's true. He doesn't blame his team for getting angry, for nearly choking him to death, nor Bruce and Thor for leaving.

Then the so-called Civil War. The lies. The apologetic look on Steve's face that only enrages the fuck out of Tony every time it crosses his mind, after _that_ videotape is blackened by a bullet. The shield on his arc reactor. The distant steps of Captain America and the Winter Soldier, until silence embraces him, along with the red, blue and the white star shield left on the ground. When the mechanic is back at the compound, he's met with the emptiness and loneliness, if not for a recovering Rhodey. The Avengers are gone, only an apology letter and a cell phone left.

The freezing concrete of Siberia creeps back in his spine to remember him that his feelings, _truly_, don't matter.

But hey, life goes on, Tony realizes, and decides to keep moving forward. Besides, he's got a good reason to; never would he have imagined he'd be mentoring such a special, bright kid like Peter Parker.

Peter has a kind heart and excitement in his veins. Of course, he's too much of a stubborn prick and gets hurt too often. Yet, no matter what, he does what it's right to do.

Before the billionaire realizes, he's dedicated to updating the Spider-Man suit, to look after the fifteen-year-old (not that he has much of a choice, he jokes to himself, after receiving a call from a raging May Parker as soon as she catches her nephew in the vibrant reds and blues). He enjoys spending time with Peter, invites him over to the Avengers compound. It's a pass for Rhodey, Pepper and Happy to make fun of him, obviously. But who would reject someone as brilliant as Peter Parker, he questions? It doesn't need an answer, of course.

Yet it turns out, once again, he's wrong.

In the next times Peter goes to the compound, he's less enthusiastic than usual. Tony comprehends at first hand, given the teenager is busy with school, the Decathlon and being Spider-Man all in one go. However, it's not only exhaustion or stress, from what Peter tells him, from what he can acquire from the expression in the kid's face. It's a look Tony knows, having worn it so many times in his life, only to deny it with his trademark smile.

It reaches the point of Peter not sending as many texts to Happy as before, and rambling a lot less, too. Apparently, it's nothing unusual from his patrol, according to Karen's data. Hell, even May calls the billionaire after noticing how odd he's behaving lately. So, Tony decides to get to the bottom of it.

On Fridays, the young Parker heads to the building so he and Tony work on the suit together – or do other things, of course. Nobody else is there today, with Rhodey and Pepper away, and Vision with his antics somewhere. Tony awaits at his lab, F.R.I.D.A.Y letting him know of Peter's arrival. AC/DC is blasting from the speakers as he works, just like every other day. He still hears the door opening and slow steps, yet Peter's voice is barely audible – and it's not because of the song, since the volume is lowered.

"Hey, Mister Stark," The kid's tone is even less happy.

"Sup, squirt?" Tony greets him like there's nothing wrong. "How was school today?"

From the corner of his eye, he can tell the teen is shrugging. "Fine, I guess."

This happens often. Tony never pushes much, always asks him the same old questions. This time, though, Peter doesn't even approach him, doesn't move from where he's standing. For once, the mechanic looks at him, finding Peter stiff, staring at the floor.

"What's wrong? Found a bug on your shoe?" Tony jokes, but gets absolutely no response. The spider-kid only stands there.

Finally, he turns off the music and remains seated to get any sort of reaction. When Tony concludes he's not getting one any sooner, he decides to speak.

"Peter," He calls. He senses tension coming from the other. "What's _actually_ wrong?"

"N-Nothing," Peter still doesn't look at him in the eye and his voice is shaky; he briefly frowns at himself, possibly for not hiding too well.

Tony sighs. "C'mon, bud, you know you can talk to me."

Silence remains his only answer.

"I don't wanna force you, kid," The older man begins. "But I doubt it's 'nothing'. It's coming to you for a while; I've noticed, we've all noticed. Even your aunt called me."

Peter finally stares back in surprise, and somehow regret. "Y-Yeah?"

"Yeah. She's worried about you – and so am I," Tony's face softens. "I want to know what I can do to bring your smile back to your face, and hear you rambling for hours again; as much as I hate to admit it." He ends with a smirk.

Only then does the teenager crack a smile, but it doesn't last too long. His face twitches and he sniffs, shaking his head while attempting to say something all at once. Tony doesn't hesitate to come to him and put both hands on his shoulders – only for Peter to launch himself in his arms.

"It's—" Tony is a little surprised, but he's quick to return the contact. "It's alright, I've got you, I've got you…"

He mutters reassuring nonsense over and over as Peter sobs against his chest, each one getting progressively worse. Eventually Tony leads them both to the huge sofa in the living room, so the kid is more comfortable – and maybe to get him some food, seeing as though the kitchen is not far. Peter quits sobbing at some point but is the first one to let go and doesn't look at his mentor in the eye.

"I-I'm sorry," He lets out, his voice almost a whisper. "I s-shouldn't have—"

"Hey, no need to apologize. You weren't feeling good. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

Peter doesn't argue but doesn't seem any more confident, as he keeps on drying his tears in embarrassment.

"So, you wanna talk about it?" Tony asks calmly, despite the clear concern in his tone.

"It's— It's stupid," Peter hiccups.

"I disagree."

The boy shakes his head, but he doesn't fight against it anymore.

"It's just… some stupid kids at school," He reveals. "That say loads of bullcrap… I always try to ignore them because, y'know, it shouldn't bother me this much. They're not even hitting me – even though it's kind of happened before –, but still, I shouldn't- be crying over some- some dumb insults."

"Words can hurt as much, if not a lot more, than everything. And they're hurting you right now."

Peter sniffs again as Tony asks, "What have they been telling you?"

"The usual, mostly. That I'm a freak," The younger says it as if it's a statement, and it hurts him. "That I lie about your internship… t-that my parents didn't want me, so they left me a-and- and… May hates keeping me, and—"

"Peter—"

"I-I'm not- I'm not good enough for anyone, for you and- if, according to them, t-the internship was real, you wouldn't- w-wouldn't give a crap about me," Peter sobs.

Tony pulls him close again, the teen not letting go. Once they pull away from one another, the older man takes a deep breath, trying not to let the anger towards whoever hurt his kid get the best of him at this moment.

"Peter, none of that is true. You're the brightest kid ever, brighter than the freaking Sun," Tony tells him. "Your parents, they would be so proud of you, and May loves the heck out of you… and I might not always make it clear but… I care about you, too, kiddo. A lot."

The boy's eyes are red, snot coming out of his nose. Tony snatches some tissues he keeps in the living room, for the visitors to use (and sometimes for himself as well, when he's awake from nightmares).

"How long has this been going on?" The billionaire questions, given how long Peter hasn't been himself.

He speaks once he finishes blowing his nose. "M-Most of these things, well… I-I've been hearing them since… Middle School."

Tony closes his eyes and he grunts in pain. "Oh, _God_, Peter."

"B-But I was handling it well, y'know? I… I-I don't know why it's coming to me **now**."

"You've been handling it for years, without letting anyone know? It sure wasn't going to last forever."

Peter lowers his head in guilt. "I'm s-sorry."

"Oh, Pete, you- you could have told someone."

"I didn't want to bother May, Ben, nor… nor you. Why would Iron Man care about some _stupid_ teenager anyways—"

"Because Iron Man is everyone's hero, including the little guy's hero," Tony's hand reaches one of Peter's wet cheeks. "The little guy who's loved by his family and friends _and_ the hero himself."

Peter sighs. "Mister Stark—"

"Don't argue with me. Those kids are hurting you and that's **not** okay."

The brown-eyed kid's eyes pool with fresh tears and avoids his look. "I just- I don't want to be a burden. To anyone."

"You're not," Tony cups his face so Peter faces him again. "Peter, you're- you're so important to me. To May, to your friend Ned, to everyone. If you're hurting, you shouldn't keep it to yourself.

"Your feelings matter."

For once, Peter is silent and is staring at his mentor. He looks shocked at him; just that is enough to kill Tony inside, to think that his kid never thought he meant so much to others – and that Tony didn't clear it up to him.

But he promises he'll tell Peter, forever and _ever_, that his feelings matter.

* * *

What comes after that day consists of Flash and his friends getting an actual threat from Tony Stark himself, who promised he'd ruin their academic future permanently in case they kept messing with Peter. The young Parker has never wanted to fight back, so he could keep his "normal" disguise, but he wouldn't contain the satisfied smile on his face during the entire showdown at the principal's office. In the end he received apologies from the bullies, and they left the room with their heads lowered.

May is aware of the situation. She hugs Peter once he gets home and reassures him that he can always count on her, no matter how busy she is. He can't help shedding tears of joy, while he glances at Tony in the background, receiving a supportive smile from his hero.

The bullies really were wrong, after all.

Since then, Peter and Tony grow much closer. The teen can count on him when he's having a bad day, or night in some cases; he reluctantly calls his mentor after having a nightmare once but is reassured it's never a bother, not even if it's in the middle of the night.

It's almost too good to be true sometimes. To imagine that Tony Stark looks after him, it's a dream come true. The teenager is gradually more connected to the billionaire's universe, including (officially) meeting Colonel Rhodes, Pepper Potts and Vision at some point (when it comes to the last one, it's actually an accident; Peter is at the kitchen, searching for some food while Tony is working, when Vision shows up all of a sudden from the freaking wall. The spider-teen screams before realizing it, which definitely alarms Tony once he arrives at the scene with his armor ready. It's all quickly solved, though, and soon enough Peter is found chatting with Tony's former AI, embodied in the android). Peter would never, ever trade any of this for anything.

However, while Iron Man takes good care of him, Peter realizes that… that the hero might not do the same for himself.

Sometimes, he notices the dark bags under the mechanic's eyes, as well as certain uneasiness, as if he's witnessed something scary. He's asked him if he ever gets nightmares. Tony doesn't deny it but pushes it aside and asks him to grab some tools or make adjustments on the Spider-Man suit, and then both of them act like the question is never brought up. Except Peter does give him worried glances every now and then, even if he stops asking him, seeing he won't get any honest answers.

It's not quite a secret to him that Tony hides things. Peter has been somewhat aware back when he was recruited by him to fight against Captain America. There was this look Tony held in his dark eyes when Peter opened up to him about his powers that strucks him to this day. Lately, the brown-haired teenager has talked to Pepper, Rhodes, Vision and even Happy about him. They always comment on how Peter has brought something great in his mentor after his introduction. Peter, curious as he is, asks them how Tony was – and might still be – when he wasn't there. He catches the sadness and worry in their eyes as they narrate, for not too long, the routine of Iron Man, also revealing some hidden details; including what… brought Tony and Steve Rogers to fight in the first place, as the former never truly explained it, and it pains the spiderling when he hears the full story. He doesn't comment any of this with Tony, though.

He's been observing Tony better ever since. There is always something about him that no one knows. And it's something hurtful that's imprisoned in his heart, that the world outside is unaware of. Even Peter himself was, before the battle in Germany. It doesn't make him admire Tony Stark any less, of course not. If anything, it makes him more human than the way the media paints him.

But… does Tony feel the same way?

Peter thinks of all of this during his trip to the compound and when he's in the elevator, going to the mechanic's lab in another Friday. It all appears to last longer than it actually is.

Once he arrives there, his spider senses immediately tell him something is wrong, somehow. The lab is… deadly silent. There's no AC/DC playing in the background, no concentrated grunts, no cheerful greetings or comebacks from his mentor. Strange thing is, F.R.I.D.A.Y didn't even warn him in case Tony went somewhere else.

"Mister Stark?" Peter calls him, anxious.

He gets no signs from Tony and it's _frightening_. He wouldn't just leave, would he? Peter heads to the other room, the living room they had their talk. He soon spots the black hair, staring at the pitch-black nothingness from the TV in front of him. He's just… there, doing nothing at all. It's so quiet.

"M-Mister Stark?" Peter tries again, getting no answer. He's begun panicking and he finally reaches the other's shoulder. "Mister Stark!"

Tony almost screams. He turns around and takes a while to realize it's Peter in front of him.

"Holy _shit_, kid, don't scare me like that."

"I- I called you more than once."

Tony closes his mouth in realization and so groans. "Oh, crap, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you coming." He stays there as if lost of what to do next, until he gulps and continues, "C'mon, we've got work to do."

He's about to head to the lab, and act as if nothing is wrong. But Peter doesn't allow it this time; he's standing in the entrance now.

"Pete?" Tony frowns in concern. "What is it?"

The teenager takes a deep breath and looks at him in the eye, frowning sternly, but aware that he's shaking himself. He says nothing for now. He doesn't- know what to say about all this. It's all too much, he knows it, and can never imagine how it must be for Tony to deal with so much on his shoulders. If- If his friends are unable to get anything, then why would Peter?

"Kid, you're- you're scaring me, what's wrong?" The older man questions, speech rushed.

The pain is there, in his eyes. In his voice, in his actions, in his work, in- in his everything. Peter can't help staring at the scar he's had around his right eye, the dark bags that have gotten even _worse_, and… and the arc reactor in his chest, glowing blue.

"Are you okay?" His mentor asks, losing his breath.

The frown in Peter's expression has faded and he looks back at Tony, who holds a pained look.

"Are… are _you_ okay?" He knows the answer is obvious, right in front of him, but he can't help asking it.

* * *

Tony has no idea how to answer that. That's why he depends on his lies and mask the truth with a snarky comment. But he doesn't do it right now, for whatever reason. He says… nothing. He doesn't even try to hide.

The tension in the air is almost suffocating. Peter looked serious, way too serious, but now he's fragile, concerned. Tony almost wants to comfort him, wishes to know where this is coming from, but he's unable to.

Why _isn't_ he hiding? He's dealt with this so many times, he went through hell to learn it. Why is this happening?

No. He can't allow this. Tony opens his mouth, but no words come out. Even if they did, they would be immediately shut out, because he's soon found himself involved in Peter's arms. The teen voices something he is not at all expecting.

"Y… Your feelings matter too, Tony," His voice breaks at the last word.

He freezes. He notes how Peter is clearly trembling after saying so, and how his grip tightens.

Part of Tony knows that what the kid said isn't new. It shouldn't affect him the way it is right now. It's not like Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Vision and Jarvis haven't made it clear before, making angry remarks every time he wandered off to almost kill himself. Still, Tony _has_ come to accept that he- he doesn't matter, even if others always denied it.

But it… it sounds so different when Peter is saying it.

Not because it's Peter, because the kid is too good for this world, and Tony doesn't fucking deserve him. But the way he says it, broken and afraid, and yet… it is said as if it's a true fact, as if it's so _obvious_.

It's obvious, but it's like it's the first time he hears it at all. The first time he actually **listens**.

He hears sobbing. Yet it's not coming from Peter this time.

"I've got you," The fifteen-year-old soothes. Only then does Tony realize _he_ is the one that is crying.

It's out of his control, he can't- he can't stop. Each second passes and Tony is breaking apart. This time, Peter is the one holding him back from falling, and he doesn't know how to feel about it. Despite this, Tony doesn't let him go for anything in the world.

The hero is sure he hasn't broken down like this in years. Not with such intensity. He's always held it back since he was a kid himself, even if slightly, around his loved ones. Right now, he can't hide anything anymore. He's breaking right in the arms of a teenager.

The tears that roll down his face are burning with everything he's swallowed. Grief. Frustration. Guilt. Hatred. He wants to say he's sorry but has no idea why. Yet Peter shushes him, somehow. He's still whispering that he's there, and he's not going anywhere. Tony chooses to believe him instead and craves the protective embrace he's longed.

It lasts forever (and Tony tries to make sure it does), but soon the mechanic is quieted down. It all feels so… so light, despite the pain in his chest, in his entire body. He just… feels like he's floating now, as if a huge beam of concrete was lifted by Peter's webs and ultimately destroyed.

For once, Peter and Tony are gazing at one another. He hasn't realized the spiderling has been crying, too. There are tear stains in his cheeks, but he's smiling, so genuinely and sadly.

"You don't need to talk about it, if you don't want to," The kid says, his voice still quiet, just for him. "Just… remember that you're super important to us, too, okay?"

Tony lets out a tearful laugh, wanting to hug Peter as tight as he can once more.

"Thanks, Pete," He smiles, too. That kid knows how to make him smile, even in the midst of so many hardships, even if everything else is falling apart.

They end up hugging one another again, and Tony buries his face in Peter's neck.

"I love you," Peter murmurs, more tears flooding the other's dark eyes. They're not from pain, but from love and care instead.

"I love you, too," Tony says it back, tightening his grip, protecting that kid with everything he has. "I _love you_."

He feels welcome. He feels okay, at home.

For the first time, Tony knows his feelings matter.


End file.
